Podcast 17 - B1 Funny Story - Mr Bates and his hammer

Vocabulary for the story

Story starts at 4:26

Hello. A joke. It's a funny story, a joke. And it has a punch line. Now the punch line is the last line of the story, which makes it funny. So when I tell you the last line of the story, you must laugh. If you don't laugh, I'll be very upset because I think the story is very funny. British humor, good British humor.

Right. Well, the story is about, oh, wait a minute, I should introduce a few words that we're going to use. We're going to talk about doctors. So we're going to mention the words: doctor's surgery. That's where a doctor works. And the waiting room, that's where you wait before you're let in to see the doctor. And the nurse, there's usually a nurse who helps the doctor.

And the doctor uses a thermometer. That is to take your temperature, which means when we are ill, we take our temperature to know what temperature we have. So it might be 38, or 39, or 40, or perhaps even more! But notice we use the word temperature when we're talking about illnesses we have in the West. We don't usually use the word fever. Fever is for very serious illnesses, for example, malaria, or illnesses that are often contracted in tropical countries, for example. So we usually use the word temperature and not fever.

And the doctor also uses a stethoscope, which is that that long thing that he puts in his ears, and then the other end he puts on your chest so that he can hear your heart beating, bum-bum, bum-bum bum-bum. That's a stethoscope.

Right and other vocabulary, well tools, tools that we use to make things that we have at home, usually a hammer, which is used when we want to hammer in a nail, for example, in a piece of wood, a hammer, a saw, which we use for cutting wood, and a screwdriver, which we use for screwing in screws into a piece of wood, which help to join two pieces of wood together. That's a screwdriver, you turn it and that turns a screw which goes into the wood.

Okay, right and, oh, a little bit of grammar in this as well, which is the present perfect continuous, which we use, remember, to talk about an action which started in the past and is still continuing at the moment. The present perfect continuous.

Mr Bates and his hammer - story

Tools for making furniture

So the story then - it's about a Mr Bates and Mr Bates is a very old man now. Well, I mean, you know, he's eighty something. He is eighty something [80+], but he is still an active person. And he has been making furniture all his life. That's the present perfect continuous, isn't it? He has been making furniture all his life. Because he's a carpenter. A carpenter is somebody who works with wood to make furniture and shelves and things like that.

And he has been recently using his hammer and his saw and his screwdriver for making furniture. But Mr. Bates has poor eyesight. He's getting on a bit. He's eighty something and he doesn't see very well these days. So we say his his eyesight is very poor. He can't see very well.

And then one day he tells his wife, Mildred, he says,

"Mildred," he says, "Mildred. I've got pain all over me. I've got pains all over me. All over my body. You know when I touch my head, it hurts. When I touch my leg, that hurts. When I touch my arm, oh, that hurts. When I touch my face, that hurts. I don't know what's the matter with me, Mildred!"

So Mildred, who is a wise woman, she says,

"Arthur," she says, that's his name, Arthur Bates. She says, "Arthur, go and see the doctor."

Go and see the doctor. As you can see, she's a wise woman. She knows what she's talking about.

"Good idea, Mildred, I will go and see him this very afternoon. This very afternoon."

That means this afternoon. So that afternoon after lunch, he puts on his hat and coat. And he makes his way to the doctor's surgery, which is not far away, and he doesn't have an appointment. Now that word means when you go in and see a doctor or professional, you usually telephone beforehand or via email, and you get an appointment so that they know you're going so that they can expect you, but he doesn't have an appointment. So when Mr Bates arrives at the surgery, he has to wait in the waiting room, and he has to wait for quite a long time.

Anyway, the nurse finally comes along, she says,

"Mr. Bates, the doctor will see you now."

So Mr. Bates gets up and goes into the surgery. And then the doctor says,

"Ah, Mr. Bates, what seems to be the problem?"

What seems to be the problem? Doctors always say that, don't they? What seems to be the problem? They don't say what's the problem? or What is the matter? They say what seems to be the problem. So Arthur Bates explains,

"Oh, Doctor, oh, I've got pain all over my body doctor. When I touch my arm, oh, it hurts. And when I touch my leg, oh, it hurts, doctor. And when I touch my head, it hurts. When I touch my nose, oh, it hurts. What's the matter with me, doctor? What is the matter with me?"

The doctor gets up and he takes his stethoscope and his thermometer. And with the stethoscope he listens to Mr. Bates' heart: bum, bum, bum. That seems all right. And then he takes his thermometer and he puts it under Mr. Bates' tongue. Now, that's interesting, isn't it? In England, we often put the thermometer under somebody's tongue instead of under their arm.

Anywhere he takes his temperature, but his temperature seems to be normal: 36.8. And he says eventually,

"Mr. Bates, let me tell you what's wrong with you. You've got a broken finger!"

Right, that was the punch line [You've got a broken finger!] I hope you understood the joke. The idea is that Mr. Bates has hit himself on the finger with his hammer, as he doesn't see very well. And so that's why every time he touches his body, it hurts.

Okay, that's all for now.

So what do we call that thing that we put under your tongue to take your temperature?

A thermometer.

What do we call that thing that the doctor puts in his ears and then the other end he puts on your chest to listen to your heartbeat?

A stethoscope.

And where does a doctor work?

He works in a doctor's surgery.

And what is this called? (banging noise)

A hammer.

And what is this tool called? (sawing noise)

A saw.

Good. Okay. Bye bye for now.